this made me cry

rewind n reflect

i went through all my blog entries.
waste of time? maybe.
but man...some posts surprised me.

i'm actually funny in some.
i sound kinda wise in others.
i sound crazy in many.
i'm very forgetful.
i'm young.
i'm broken.
i'm confused.
i'm hurt.
i'm rescued.
i'm redeemed.

i see growing pains here and there.
i see God's fingerprints everywhere.

this is the most loyal and faithful i've been to a blog...or so i call it "bloggie"
ahahahaha i hope God loves my lameness.

anyway,
God is good.

i'm pretty screwed for my final ipad project...
but there is a peace that transcends all understanding.

peace is definitely a gift of the Holy Spirit.

Jesus

God...

i think you are showing me how much i lack.
and i really lack a lot.
really. i do.
i have nothing good but you.
apart from you i have no good thing.

and these days
for some reason
i feel really far from you
but i know you are near.

i know that i may stumble
but you will not let me fall.
because you are my rock that i cling on to
you are my fortress. you are my firm foundation.

these aren't just poetic words that sound or look pretty on paper.
these are metaphors that really reflect the greatness and truth of your character.

God..
i need your help.
i know you know me inside out.
you know me better than i will ever know myself.
and i am desperate for you.
God...please.

i don't even know what to ask for.
but i know that you know everything i need.
you give me everything i need before i even ask.
God...

please block my ears.
i keep hearing things that i hate.
i keep hearing things that anger me.
in my anger i do not want to sin.
but i know my thoughts are so fleshly...and so evil.

i do not want to fall in the trap of false humility.
i am not humble.
i am nothing.

i don't understand what you're trying to teach me.
but i'm going to apply everything that i've learned depending on what i know of you God.

i know you are good.
i know you are living.
i know you are loving.
i know you are faithful.
i know you are sovereign.
and i know you are huge.

you are beyond my imagination.
you are beyond my feelings.
you are beyond my words.
you are beyond my thoughts.

but Lord. i trust you.
i don't know how..
but with at least my lips and my fingers
i confess my devotion to you.

Lord...give me an undivided heart and undivided mind for you.

i don't want to be a wave
i don't want to be tossed back and forth by others.
and even more...by myself. by my flesh. by the lies that the evil one tries to insert in my mind.

i hate it so much.
i feel so hopeless when i know there is no need for me to be.

God...i need you so much.

everything is so ugly without you.

people...words....nature...myself.
everything is so ugly and imperfect without your touch.
without your breath of life.

Jesus...
breathe your breath of life in my ears.
in my heart.
help me to dance in the storm.
help me to dance in the wind.
help me to dance in the dark.
Jesus...
please.
i hate being swayed..to the right to the left.
so fickle i am.
so unattractive i am.
i disgust myself sometimes.
how prone i am to anger.
how prone i am to judging.
how prone i am to jealousy.

Jesus...
i know that i am not perfect.
but i notice so many imperfections around me.
the way people talk..
the selfishness...
the pride...
the self-obsession..

Lord..it BUGS ME SO MUCH.
and i don't want to judge
or be self-righteous.
that is only my foolishness.

but Lord.....please cover me in your holiness.
be my Shield.
rescue me from the wicked around me.
because it makes me so sad.

i need your light.
please shine your light above my head Jesus.
help me to feel your light..your hope.
even when i'm surrounded by darkness.
by people in darkness.

Lord...how can you love us?
how can you love your people who are so forgetful?

Lord...please give me your grace and strength to never forget your love for me.
Jesus...you are my only Hope.
you are the reason that i live.

if i forget this....i have no reason to live. i have no purpose to live. i am but dust. i am nothing.

but Lord...you have breathed into me the breath of life. from dust to heir of your kingdom. from dust to a heavenly being.

Lord...i am fearfully and wonderfully made.
you knit me in my mother's womb.
my body is your work of art.
my body is your temple.
you dwell in me, Lord.
you dwell in me, Jesus.

may your words never leave my heart.
may your words cover and cover the walls of this temple.
won't you reign.
won't you flow.
won't you go over, under, everywhere around this temple of mine.

Lord.....my heart is yours.
it is sick...it is deceitful...it is confused..it is broken.
but you are my healer.
and my heart is yours.

break my heart for what breaks yours.
but make it whole and bold for the work of your Hands.
use me Lord.

give me dreams...give me visions.
and fulfill them through me.

Lord....i feel so empty.
i feel like i have no dreams...no visions...no gifts..no voice....
but i have you.
why do i feel as if i lack?

change my heart o God...
change my heart....heal it.

Lord...fulfill your purpose in my life.

and allow me to keep my eyes on you.
i don't know where you are...how you are...why you are so Good....so Great....so loving....so true....
but You are.
you said I am.
and i say in response that You are. You will be.

so Lord...i am going to keep pressing on.
grant me the perseverance.
i love you.
i want to love you more.
i want to know you more.

you said that those who love God are known by God.
may i be known by you.

i don't want us to be awkward when i see you face to face.
i want us to celebrate...embrace....and rejoice.
i don't want to have my face hung low in shame.
but i want to look up to your light...and proclaim that you are the lifter of my head.

Lord...i don't know what to say.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
i don't know what's going on.

but Lord...i want to rejoice.
i want to rejoice in every circumstance.
i want to shout for joy.
i want to live victoriously just as you did.
because you are my victory.

Jesus....i love you so much.
with my little faith....i can somehow say that i love you.
but i'm just realizing how little my faith is...
and that makes me so sad.

grant me greater faith Lord...
that i may love you more!

Lord...i'll be humble.
i'll be mindful.
always always always
of your mercy.

i am going to trust in you, always.
i am going to rejoice in you, always.
i am going to hide your words in my heart, always.
i am going to sharpen my sword, always.
i am going to pray continually, always.
i am going to sing to you, always.

Lord.....
what else can i dooooooo

what else can i sayyyy?

i am too unworthy to even proclaim your name.
but thank you Jesus....that you washed me clean.
and made it possible for me to call out to you.
to reach out to you with my hands and heart lifted high.

thank you Jesus.
i am for you.
you are for me.
no one can be against me.

in the name of JESUS' LIVING NAME I PRAY.

AMEN.