enjoying my last two hours of winter break.
sad evening.
again, i will say, rejoice!
it was a sad day, though.
i tried to relax and enjoy a low-key day
but i kept thinking about tomorrow morning
and facing my students
especially them middle schoolers
i know that i know that it will be fine once i'm at work
but man.
i hate this feeling.
i'm being a baby.
but hey, i think i am in some ways still.
a baby is helpless, utterly dependent on someone's love and care for survival
that's for sure me
i was trying to pinpoint why i was feeling so sad...
other than possible pms-ing
i realize i need God's love
i need to receive it more freely...
i think lately, unworthiness has crept in.
God has become so great and wonderful in my mind that i
bought into this lie that my heart is too small for Him?
like seriously who am i that you would be mindful of me?!
but this unworthiness ain't healthy at all because i carry the worth of Jesus.
i am worth Jesus. you are worth...Jesus.
letting that sink in...
the tension!!!!!!!!!!
of this physical reality that is real...
and this spiritual reality which is the real-real reality...the one that really matters.
i realize how i do not know how to love.
i say i serve a loving God. but i do not know how to love...
He serves me... He loves me...
i realize i need to receive more freely...
that way, i can love freely
because to love truly is to love without needing any affirmation
Lord, i want to be loved by you...
help me to receive your love...
to know that i am heard and seen with eyes of love
so that i can hear and see with eyes of love
ahh...to even love one soul with this selfless love.
Lord, teach me..
fill me...
God, You are so great.
more than my eyes, my words, my gestures, my squeals....can ever say.
renew my mind as i sleep, as i wake, throughout the day
i need you, i need you, i need you...always
may i know and experience in an exceedingly great measure
how much i am known and loved by you...
i am Your beloved creation, daughter, and friend.
how can this be? i seriously think and thank you over and over again
the brevity of this life on earth relieves yet overwhelms me
i want my mist of a life to be the most fragrant mist it can be
Lord...keep teaching me to embrace, enjoy, and rejoice in this tension.
teach me to rejoice, always.
so many ways behind and before me...
but as always and forever, Jesus...You are and will be the only Way i follow.
thank you for asking first.
"follow me."
how could i ever refuse.
it's a command, also my wish...my dream-from-the-Dream-Maker-come-true.
Holy Spirit,
open my spiritual eyes...lift them up to see the greater things, the hidden, the unnoticed, the uncelebrated
loose my tongue to prophesy hope and life.
release my steps to follow Your wind confidently, furiously
rest in me...as i rejoice in your peace.
love,
me
Monday, January 16, 2017
Friday, January 6, 2017
mai thai song
written almost 5 years ago
on 1.28.12
during a boston winter
after eating pad thai alone
at a restaurant
on a rainy night
thai song
on 1.28.12
during a boston winter
after eating pad thai alone
at a restaurant
on a rainy night
thai song
thai, pad thai, you're my favorite dish
you remind me of home, a taste i always miss
tonight after work, friday, it's been a long week
been craving you, so i thought i'd have you as a treat
'cause thai, pad thai, you're one of a kind
in bolivia or boston, always on my mind
but thai, oh thai, i gotta break the news
tonight, you strangely looked and you also tasted like poo
so i poured some extra hot sauce, you know i like you that way
but thai, oh thai, you just didn't taste the same
rainy air, shining streets, walking back to my crib then i understood, oh
some truth of life i never thought i would (at least this way, no)
that thai, pad thai, when i eat you alone
it won't be the same, not even close to what you're like at home
i guess i'll never eat you or at least for a little while, little while
if i do what's the point when i'll wash my tongue with a bar of Dial
Dial, that reminds me i should call my friends and share the tip
doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with
korea ddukbokggi, la galbi, chicago spinach deep dish
doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with
like jacuzzing in cold water, thanksgiving feasting alone, Heaven without Jesus
doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with
but for now i'm all alone
quite simply missing my home sweet home
and thai, not even my favorite thai
can help this lonely sigh tonight
Thursday, January 5, 2017
oops
i can't believe that i didn't write on my bloggie even once during 2016.
mind you, 2016 was the year of rest.
but it was probably the least restful year of mi vida.
until God taught me what true rest is.
true rest is in the storm.
true rest is not a week in maui.
true rest is not what you do or don't do.
true rest is a Person.
as is true hope, true healing, true life.
the Man Who can enjoy a nap in a flooding boat and wild storm
Jesus.
true rest is knowing He is with me.
He sees me, He knows me, He loves me
He understands me, He comforts me, He mourns with me
true rest is knowing that this world is a restless sea
but i live above these restless waters.
you're either in the ark or out drowning.
Jesus is the ark.
He is also the Promised Land.
land was created on third day.
land is salvation.
Jesus is my Promised Land
i can't sink even if i tried
He's my unshakeable, immovable Rock
He's set my feet on solid ground
sure, the waves come to my toes
sometimes, i feel like i'm under the waves
other times, i think i'm getting carried away into dark waters
but no, my feet are on solid ground.
waters may surround me, but i walk with Him.
He walks with me
true rest is the ability to have hope and peace even during restless nights
even when you don't have your own space to kneel and cry to Him
to know that He knows your heart
He made it in the first place
true rest is knowing that God is always resting in me.
He has made my heart his dwelling place
He's never leaving or disturbed by the mess and stress
He is so at rest in me.
when i tap into this reality
that His Spirit rests in me
i calm down, breathe in the breath of life in me
breath out praise
how blessed am i to have a Father who is never shaken nor surprised
how blessed am i to have a Savior who has done it all for me
how blessed am i to have a Counselor who cares for every detail of my thought and heart life
how blessed am i to have rest in the storm.
there will always be a storm...storms...
thank you for teaching me to always be at rest.
man works to rest.
You work from rest.
man works for victory.
You work from victory.
2017 is the year of rejoicing.
i have a feeling this bloggie will be filled with much mourning.
but hey, i'm the clay. You're the Potter.
and You're good. the only good I know.
so what can i possibly say but have Your way.
Lord, i feel like true rejoicing is an extension of true rest.
this world cannot offer me rest nor rejoicing.
thank You for teaching me what rest is... and thank You for always gently leading me...and teaching me true rejoicing this year.
seriously, who am i that you are mindful of me?
without Your breath of life, i'm just a pile of dust.
but You who breathed the starry host in one breath breathed me into existence and eternity
You terrify me, fascinate me, are beyond me, yet you know me...and love me.
You're equally scary and safe all at once.
i want to run from you but i need to run to you at the same time.
yes, i love You.
as st. augustine de hippo said, "i was astonished to find that already i loved you."
but Lord, You have been showing me how much i don't love you.
after all those encounters oil pouring serving pastoring preaching praying crying loving
how much i have seen that i don't really love you
love that is earned, that does to be affirmed, ain't no love at all
you are Love.
you don't need nobody's affirmation.
you love perfectly.
and you say i was meant to receive this Perfect Love.
i try to love. it's cute.
and by Your Grace, i am getting better.
i want to love like you do. like you did from 0 to 30 years.
without applause, without recognition, without affirmation.
and from 30 years until now.
Your eyes are all i care for.
Your smile is my prize.
it's what i live to see
will die and see
Lord, i love being put in my place.
what else can dust do but relax and rest and go wherever the wind of the Spirit leads.
Holy Spirit, take me where you please.
since i am a little better at resting in you,
teach me to be the happiest rejoicing anointed pile of dust there is in california.
lead me... nothing is impossible for the breath of God + beloved dust combo.
best combo ever.
wanting to rejoice always
more and more in You each day,
your daughter
in Jesus' Name. amen.
mind you, 2016 was the year of rest.
but it was probably the least restful year of mi vida.
until God taught me what true rest is.
true rest is in the storm.
true rest is not a week in maui.
true rest is not what you do or don't do.
true rest is a Person.
as is true hope, true healing, true life.
the Man Who can enjoy a nap in a flooding boat and wild storm
Jesus.
true rest is knowing He is with me.
He sees me, He knows me, He loves me
He understands me, He comforts me, He mourns with me
true rest is knowing that this world is a restless sea
but i live above these restless waters.
you're either in the ark or out drowning.
Jesus is the ark.
He is also the Promised Land.
land was created on third day.
land is salvation.
Jesus is my Promised Land
i can't sink even if i tried
He's my unshakeable, immovable Rock
He's set my feet on solid ground
sure, the waves come to my toes
sometimes, i feel like i'm under the waves
other times, i think i'm getting carried away into dark waters
but no, my feet are on solid ground.
waters may surround me, but i walk with Him.
He walks with me
true rest is the ability to have hope and peace even during restless nights
even when you don't have your own space to kneel and cry to Him
to know that He knows your heart
He made it in the first place
true rest is knowing that God is always resting in me.
He has made my heart his dwelling place
He's never leaving or disturbed by the mess and stress
He is so at rest in me.
when i tap into this reality
that His Spirit rests in me
i calm down, breathe in the breath of life in me
breath out praise
how blessed am i to have a Father who is never shaken nor surprised
how blessed am i to have a Savior who has done it all for me
how blessed am i to have a Counselor who cares for every detail of my thought and heart life
how blessed am i to have rest in the storm.
there will always be a storm...storms...
thank you for teaching me to always be at rest.
man works to rest.
You work from rest.
man works for victory.
You work from victory.
2017 is the year of rejoicing.
i have a feeling this bloggie will be filled with much mourning.
but hey, i'm the clay. You're the Potter.
and You're good. the only good I know.
so what can i possibly say but have Your way.
Lord, i feel like true rejoicing is an extension of true rest.
this world cannot offer me rest nor rejoicing.
thank You for teaching me what rest is... and thank You for always gently leading me...and teaching me true rejoicing this year.
seriously, who am i that you are mindful of me?
without Your breath of life, i'm just a pile of dust.
but You who breathed the starry host in one breath breathed me into existence and eternity
You terrify me, fascinate me, are beyond me, yet you know me...and love me.
You're equally scary and safe all at once.
i want to run from you but i need to run to you at the same time.
yes, i love You.
as st. augustine de hippo said, "i was astonished to find that already i loved you."
but Lord, You have been showing me how much i don't love you.
after all those encounters oil pouring serving pastoring preaching praying crying loving
how much i have seen that i don't really love you
love that is earned, that does to be affirmed, ain't no love at all
you are Love.
you don't need nobody's affirmation.
you love perfectly.
and you say i was meant to receive this Perfect Love.
i try to love. it's cute.
and by Your Grace, i am getting better.
i want to love like you do. like you did from 0 to 30 years.
without applause, without recognition, without affirmation.
and from 30 years until now.
Your eyes are all i care for.
Your smile is my prize.
it's what i live to see
will die and see
Lord, i love being put in my place.
what else can dust do but relax and rest and go wherever the wind of the Spirit leads.
Holy Spirit, take me where you please.
since i am a little better at resting in you,
teach me to be the happiest rejoicing anointed pile of dust there is in california.
lead me... nothing is impossible for the breath of God + beloved dust combo.
best combo ever.
wanting to rejoice always
more and more in You each day,
your daughter
in Jesus' Name. amen.
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