five days later

my brother got married five days ago, last saturday, july 21.

last week, around this time, i was having a minor freak attack because of this crazy migraine i was having. the back of the right side of my head was throbbing like no other with occasional sharp pains and a cold sensation, as if someone massaged some tiger balm onto my scalp. the scaredy-cat i am and after reading one too many yahoo Q&A threads, i thought i had to go to the ER. worse, i thought i was going to ruin the wedding celebrations.

nope, not at all. praise the Lord.

with patience and trust that my migraine would go away, it disappeared after i finally had a banana.
i think i was lacking nutrients like iron and potassium.

anyway, the wedding went by so fast. but i remember the thoughts i had during the wedding so clearly. while she was walking down the aisle, when the newlyweds hugged their parents...

i remember thinking that nothing is our own. we come and leave empty-handed.
i cannot even take my husband or wife to heaven. as much as i vow that i will stick with him/her and never leave him/her... i go to heaven alone. my soul stands alone.


depressing? not really...


my soul stands alone... in Jesus. 


pastor chi stressed the the solution to every marriage is death.
we are only married to Christ by death, His death.
in the same way, we can only be married together by dying with Christ.
when we die with Christ, we also live with Christ.
above all, we love with Christ.

i know my brother and jenn will live fun, happy, victorious, beautiful lives because they live in Jesus, and Jesus lives in them.

my favorite moment of the wedding was when the two took communion together at the altar.
becoming one, and one, in Christ.

and now, five days later, recovering from a summer cold, i am preparing to go to mexico.
i've been preparing to go to mexico.
but now, i am packed and ready to go.

i am not going to worry or think about anything while i'm in mexico.
i'm not going to worry about my dad, my mom, my brother, Jenn, my future husband, my job, etc.
i probably still will.

point is, i don't want to because i only want to worry about God. are you speaking to me, God? am i being obedient to you, God? am i listening, God? are you listening, God? are you happy, God? are you sad, God? should i pray for that person, God? should i say this, God?

worry probably isn't the right word. consumed? obsessed? overwhelmed? crazy?

whatever the word, God knows what i'm feeling.
i'm tired exhausted grumpy moody pms-y and many other things...
but God still loves me..
and i want to be wrecked for Him..

i am not ready for mexico at all..
but this makes me very sure that God is going to use me
because i will not be able to doubt His power, His grace, His joy, His love in me.

thank You, Lord...

You alone are faithful..
You alone are good!

love,
ashley

cocoon phase

being still
hanging on
hanging tight
even though it feels confined
suffocating
backwards
confusing
being still
hanging on
hanging tight
because i know i'm wrapped
in His arms
in His arms
everything is light and secure

there's a cry in my heart

there's a cry in my heart

for Your glory to fall

for Your presence to fill up my senses

there's a yearning again

a thirst for discipline

a hunger for things that are deeper

could You take me beyond?

coud You carry me through?

if i open my heart?

could i go there with you?

for i've been here before

but i know there's still more

oh, Lord, i need to know You

for what do i have

if i don't have You, Jesus?

what in this life

could mean any more?

You are my rock

You are my glory

You are the Lifter of my head

slave for Freedom

these verses from 1 cor. 9 stood out to me:

though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible...

To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. 

how sweet and victorious

is the freedom i have

to declare and be

a slave for Jesus, who is Freedom.

i search for You, God of strength

i bow to You in my brokenness
and no other king could have so humbly come
to save my soul and heal my heart

i have nothing more
than all You offer me
there is nothing else
that's of worth to me

and i love You, Lord You rescued me
You are all that i want You're all i need

in Your freedom i will live, in Your freedom i will live
i offer devotion, i offer devotion

encouraging prayer

a random brother's prayer from yesterday's worship service still lingers on my heart.

he said something like, "a lot of times we pretend You aren't good but in an instant, You show that you are. in an instant, we know You are good."

then he said, "allow us to remember You are always in control. never once were You not in control. not even for a second..for you are the Beginning and the End..."

thanks, brother! whoever you are.. (my eyes were closed, and i don't know anyone at this church..)

God bless you and your prayers... i was berry blessed.

in Jesus' name.
AMEN.

show Your power

haven't heard this song in a while: show Your power

for our inheritance give us the lost

sorry

it is a blessing to be able to say sorry.

morning

it's been on my heart to go to prayer mountain.
i hope i have a chance to go before mexico.


a lot of healing is needed everywhere i go.
my family, my cousins, my friends, random people i meet, strangers...
especially myself


being still and knowing that God is with me has been a blessing
but it's given me time to really examine those around me and my heart


i think that's why i've kinda been in mourning mode
i've been seeing how cursed and doomed we are were
the depth, the root of our sin, our unbelief.

when we ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil with adam and eve,
we became forever cursed by knowing good and evil (the law) but were unable to experience and know the greatest good, the only good, that is God. goodness comes from God alone for He alone is good.

but He's redeemed us from the curse of it all, allowing us to believe in His goodness again. 
again and again. day by day. moment by moment. step by step. tear after tear. thought after thought.
the joy of the Lord, my Redeemer, is my strength
the Reason i wake up 


as i was praying this morning, i realized how confused we are.
we do not know what is good or bad. we confuse good for bad and bad for good.
it's the worst when we mistake God's goodness for bad
or just forget His goodness altogether. 


so when i see my parents half-heartedly trusting God when He's given them the ultimate chance to display radical faith
when i listen to my cousin's struggle with loneliness, suicide
when i get cussed out by a stranger whose first impression was nice
i get sad and tired. weary. burdened.


i don't have any good in me, either.
i am quick to doubt, judge, anger
prone to disbelief..


but i'm thankful that in the midst of this faith-examining time, God has granted me a quiet, mourning spirit because ultimately i mourn because i know God is good, and only He can make our burdens light and beautiful.


God is so good. even his "bad" is better than our best just as "the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." (1 cor. 1:25)
yet He is patient with us. Love is so patient and so kind. He uses our worst and transforms it to His best.


but we complain so much when we don't see the good... in these times,
may we learn to focus on the only good thing, only Good One, who is God,
and rejoice.

h-ache

being home has been strange and a little painful.
it's been hard for me to be gentle. 
tired of hearing, seeing lies. whines.


there is nothing i can do but focus on the only thing, only one that i know and believe
is truly truly truly Truth.


the only thing i can fully defend, call truly mine and truly true is my salvation in You.


i felt so confined that i ran and stared at the night. the trees. the moon.
i felt free, remembering how vast is Your glory, God.
that you know my heart, understand me, remember me.
and this song played, soothing my overwhelmed soul:


If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice
I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see
If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours, I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
and every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me

Staying desperate for You God
Staying humbled at Your feet
I will lift these hands and praise
I will believe

I remind myself of all that You’ve done
And the life I have because Your Son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours,  I am forever Yours
Mountain high or valley low
I sing out remind my soul
That I am Yours I am forever Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
All my days
I am Yours

I am Yours, I'm Yours forever
I am Yours, I'm Yours forever
I am Yours, I'm Yours forever Lord

luke 1:18-23

오랜만에 하나님께서 내기도를 가까이서 듣는다는걸 느꼈다.
느끼자마자 내모든 기도제목들은 날아가고 오직 하나님의 영광을 위해서 기도하고 감사하고 찬양했다.

왜 내가 지금 이상황에있는지도 잘 알거같아.
잠잠히 있을수밖에없는 상태.
겸손히 집에서 차없이 있을수밖에없는 상태.

많은 생각들이지나가고..
"take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ"이 얼마나 힘든지.

지금 내환경을 보지말고 오직 하나님의 말씀. 어느 상황속에서도 절대로 변치않은 하나님의 말씀만 바라보라는 시간, 훈련.

오늘 아침엔 누가복음에 사가랴가의 모습이 내모습 비추었다.
벙어리가 되는 아픔...믿음의 말을 못하고, 의심하는 말들이 나오니까...하늘에서 그말들을 막아주시고, 잠시 9개월 정도 벙어리가된 사가랴가. 배부른 아내의 모습을보며 얼마나 답답하고 미안하고 또 고마워했을까? 얼마나 기도했을까? 무지 감사했겠지...벙어리된 아픔은 성렁님을 듣기 위하여..

 teach me, Holy Spirit, more about You.

Jesus is my aloe vera

i had this weird rash on my upper lip and the area between my upper lip and nose since i was in bolivia. it would get better and worse depending on the weather or which ointment i used. i never used so much chapstick, vaseline in mi vida. i also saw the doctor twice, but nothing really helped. if anything, the medication thinned my skin, discolored my lip and made the mysterious irritation worse.

since i came home i've been applying fresh, real, goo-ey, sticky, thick, cool aloe vera on my lips. (you know, the real kind of aloe vera. not the korean aloe drink, which tastes nuhhhhthing like fresh aloe vera that can make you gag if you try to swallow a small chunk of it.)
and now, my unknown irritation is almost... gone.

aloe vera is a great plant.
i would want a small pot of aloe vera over a huge bouquet of flowers.
it's long-lasting, pretty green, easy to take of...
since i was little, aloe vera has helped with my sunburns, my-easily-could-have-been-harry-potter scar, my mysterious stomach illness, my skin...

i realize vera is a beautiful name for a girl.
"verá" in spanish means "she will see."

anyway, just wanted to thank God for aloe vera.

You are my aloe vera.