lament

the tension and paradox of you
in heaven and in me
between eternity and now
the already but not yet
the finished but still working
the battle won but still fighting

i'm tired
angry
and far too overwhelmed

you seem so far but i know you are closer than my breath
you seem so quiet but i know you are holding me together

but that's what frustrates me more
that i know
but my feeling and actions are as if i don't believe

and maybe that's the core
that i don't
believe; help me overcome
my unbelief

many walked away
your teachings were hard
i want to walk away, too
it's so hard

but to whom else shall i go
where else can i go
i'm stuck, left with no choice
when you have the words of eternal life

you speak life
you are life
eternal life is to know you
and in knowing you, me

my mind is overwhelmed with knowledge of good and evil
of religion
of desires
of worries
of obligations
of lists
of duties
of decisions

i hate them.

i want peace.
i want rest.
i want you.

this battle is so crazy.
it's so heavy and real right now.
i hate it, God. i hate it.
i know it's going to end but i hate it, God.
i hate it...

silence the enemy and crush his teeth in Jesus' name.
twist your tongue a thousand times and with it swing you into hell where you will go and belong.

i belong to Jesus.