the more i love God
the more i realize i do not love God

but that doesn't stop Him from loving me
beyond measure

89%

is such a terrible feeling.

Eden Grace

i remember this one moment at my old house.
this old house with forest green carpet.

i sat at the edge of the last step of stairs on the second floor.
observing the house, home alone.

and i thought how many more years i had until i would have to move out.
while counting, thinking of various scenarios, i cried. (i guess i really liked that house.)

i thought about growing up. *cue more crying
then thought about my brother going to college, getting married, having a child.

i cried thinking about how much time has passed. and also how much more time is ahead of us.
there's so much life ahead, i thought. when's all that going to happen? but i don't want them to happen too fast because that means there'll be less life ahead of us...and that's just a scary thought.

then a second later,
it's a few years, many years later,
my brother is married.
and today, i met my niece for the first time.

and i'm thankful that life can't be measured
that life doesn't end
because life is a person
and life is Jesus Christ

so thankful for Eden Grace Kim.
Jesus, be free in your beautiful garden.
may she host and enjoy your Presence
all the days of her life.

in Jesus' Name.

but

i'm okay with ugly...
God loves ugly..there's even a book titled that.

but God really loves us..
and we ugly. ug. ly. ugggggly.

at least that's more and more of what i see in me.
and even though i don't agree, my opinion doesn't matter to Him
because He says He loves me unconditionally

my condition of ugly can seem like drag but He says i'm His delight.
what. how. why.
i don't know. but my opinion doesn't matter.

i need to accept Perfect Love.
realize i need to let Perfect Love just love on me in ugly season and out
not just when i'm feeling pretty.

this is true surrender
to let yourself be loved
to let yourself receive
and realize your truest need

we fight to win
but to lose is winning
and to win is losing in this game with Perfect Love
only when Jacob was crippled by God could he walk with Him.

i'm losing it.
i lost.
i surrender.
i really do.

even when i forsake myself
you won't forsake me.

even when i accuse you
you will pursue me.

even when i turn your promises to lies
you will cut them off with your truth.

so sick of fear.
and fear makes us sick.
fear makes us weak.
fear makes us timid.

Love is bold
strengthening, life-giving
in Love, there is no fear.
there are no what-ifs...

what if she..he..they
what if i..we..
what if my..
paralyzing thoughts like a nonstop hammer

so full of fear, but we weren't made for it.
made of Love, for Love..
no doubts or questions
security lost.

security is not in knowledge or arms.
or inheritance or charm.
don't have any of those anyway
i do desire wisdom

security in Jesus
who is Wisdom and Perfect Love
can i hear the hammer of your suffering for love
to muffle these killing thoughts

is that a crazy request..maybe..probably
but sometimes i do feel like i'm going crazy
and that adds to the ugly
flesh is so ugly.

i need the reality of you to explode my flesh
without your reality,
why live.
in the absence of your reality, i live like the dead.

hopeless without you.
hungry for you.
arrows being thrown left right under over
helpless.

but you are my hope.
you made me to feed me.
you live to help me.
you don't just protect me from afar; you are my Shield.

i was made to depend on you.
lean not on my own understanding
made to receive
made to enjoy

Holy Spirit,
so gracious. so patient.
help me to be still and float
evermore in your grace

Jesus,
so bold. so gentle.
open my eyes
to see the faith you placed in my heart

Father God,
so kind. so merciful.
protect my mind, plunge it
in your unfailing love

just noticed

this blog is pretty ugly.