John 17

You in Me.
I in them.

Your love for Me in them.
I in them.

can't believe i host the Holiest One
that Jesus, You are in me
that God, You love me with the same love You have for Your Son.
that Holy Spirit, You would reveal this to me, that i really am a son of God.

Jesus in me.
me in Jesus.

a drop of me in the endless ocean of love
bottomless sea of mercy and grace

but You see me
You bottle my tears
sad, angry, happy, hot, rapid or slow

never alone
wrapped in Your light
shining within, out

no darkness can overcome
i'm placed in the safest Place
i walk on sacred space

i'm forever safe.
forever saved.
forever shielded.
side to side
above below
all around

all around me
You surround me

thank You for always praying for me.
i love You with all my heart.

aDios, 26

aDios, 26.
my feelings about you,
mixed.

currently thinking about
death

a bee that lost its sting
is a cute furry thing

harmless

no one can harm me.
nothing can harm me.

death, where is your victory?
death, where is your sting?

the sting of death is sin
the power of sin comes from the law

Jesus paid for my sin
fulfilled the law
crucified the law
once for all

now, i'm under grace
now, i'm living
eternal life
is living in me

no longer do i need to defend myself
justify myself by the law
no more sin
sin has no power

where is sin?
death, where is your sting?

He took it all for me
He paid it all for me

may I be only found in Him.

Lord, you are my only Home.
my rest is only found in You.

thank you that your Kingdom reigns in me.
thank you that eternal life, knowing You, is now.

Holy Spirit, you're the best.
i'm never alone.
even in my last breath.

until i see you,
may i seek you,
find you
be found by you

over and over again.

what a joy it is to be found by my Father.
what a joy it is to be known by You, LORD.

thank you for thinking me into existence.
thank you for speaking me into being
thank you for breathing your life into these dry bones
thank you for living in me.

may this little life
little light
shine bright, more than I can ask or imagine,
until my faith becomes sight

lament II

enjoying my last two hours of winter break.
sad evening.
again, i will say, rejoice!

it was a sad day, though.
i tried to relax and enjoy a low-key day

but i kept thinking about tomorrow morning
and facing my students
especially them middle schoolers

i know that i know that it will be fine once i'm at work
but man.
i hate this feeling.

i'm being a baby.
but hey, i think i am in some ways still.

a baby is helpless, utterly dependent on someone's love and care for survival
that's for sure me

i was trying to pinpoint why i was feeling so sad...
other than possible pms-ing
i realize i need God's love

i need to receive it more freely...
i think lately, unworthiness has crept in.
God has become so great and wonderful in my mind that i
bought into this lie that my heart is too small for Him?

like seriously who am i that you would be mindful of me?!
but this unworthiness ain't healthy at all because i carry the worth of Jesus.
i am worth Jesus. you are worth...Jesus.

letting that sink in...

the tension!!!!!!!!!!
of this physical reality that is real...
and this spiritual reality which is the real-real reality...the one that really matters.

i realize how i do not know how to love.
i say i serve a loving God. but i do not know how to love...
He serves me... He loves me...

i realize i need to receive more freely...
that way, i can love freely
because to love truly is to love without needing any affirmation

Lord, i want to be loved by you...
help me to receive your love...
to know that i am heard and seen with eyes of love
so that i can hear and see with eyes of love

ahh...to even love one soul with this selfless love.
Lord, teach me..
fill me...

God, You are so great.
more than my eyes, my words, my gestures, my squeals....can ever say.

renew my mind as i sleep, as i wake, throughout the day
i need you, i need you, i need you...always

may i know and experience in an exceedingly great measure
how much i am known and loved by you...

i am Your beloved creation, daughter, and friend.
how can this be? i seriously think and thank you over and over again

the brevity of this life on earth relieves yet overwhelms me
i want my mist of a life to be the most fragrant mist it can be

Lord...keep teaching me to embrace, enjoy, and rejoice in this tension.
teach me to rejoice, always.

so many ways behind and before me...
but as always and forever, Jesus...You are and will be the only Way i follow.

thank you for asking first.
"follow me."
how could i ever refuse.
it's a command, also my wish...my dream-from-the-Dream-Maker-come-true.

Holy Spirit,
open my spiritual eyes...lift them up to see the greater things, the hidden, the unnoticed, the uncelebrated
loose my tongue to prophesy hope and life.
release my steps to follow Your wind confidently, furiously
rest in me...as i rejoice in your peace.

love,
me

mai thai song

written almost 5 years ago
on 1.28.12
during a boston winter
after eating pad thai alone
at a restaurant
on a rainy night

thai song

thai, pad thai, you're my favorite dish

you remind me of home, a taste i always miss

tonight after work, friday, it's been a long week

been craving you, so i thought i'd have you as a treat

'cause thai, pad thai, you're one of a kind

in bolivia or boston, always on my mind

but thai, oh thai, i gotta break the news

tonight, you strangely looked and you also tasted like poo

so i poured some extra hot sauce, you know i like you that way

but thai, oh thai, you just didn't taste the same

rainy air, shining streets, walking back to my crib then i understood, oh

some truth of life i never thought i would (at least this way, no)

that thai, pad thai, when i eat you alone

it won't be the same, not even close to what you're like at home

i guess i'll never eat you or at least for a little while, little while

if i do what's the point when i'll wash my tongue with a bar of Dial

Dial, that reminds me i should call my friends and share the tip

doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with

korea ddukbokggi, la galbi, chicago spinach deep dish

doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with

like jacuzzing in cold water, thanksgiving feasting alone, Heaven without Jesus

doesn't matter where you are, what you eat, but who you're with 

but for now i'm all alone

quite simply missing my home sweet home

and thai, not even my favorite thai

can help this lonely sigh tonight

oops

i can't believe that i didn't write on my bloggie even once during 2016.
mind you, 2016 was the year of rest.
but it was probably the least restful year of mi vida.
until God taught me what true rest is.

true rest is in the storm.
true rest is not a week in maui.
true rest is not what you do or don't do.
true rest is a Person.

as is true hope, true healing, true life.

the Man Who can enjoy a nap in a flooding boat and wild storm
Jesus.

true rest is knowing He is with me.
He sees me, He knows me, He loves me
He understands me, He comforts me, He mourns with me

true rest is knowing that this world is a restless sea
but i live above these restless waters.
you're either in the ark or out drowning.
Jesus is the ark.

He is also the Promised Land.
land was created on third day.
land is salvation.
Jesus is my Promised Land
i can't sink even if i tried
He's my unshakeable, immovable Rock

He's set my feet on solid ground
sure, the waves come to my toes
sometimes, i feel like i'm under the waves
other times, i think i'm getting carried away into dark waters

but no, my feet are on solid ground.
waters may surround me, but i walk with Him.
He walks with me

true rest is the ability to have hope and peace even during restless nights
even when you don't have your own space to kneel and cry to Him
to know that He knows your heart
He made it in the first place

true rest is knowing that God is always resting in me.
He has made my heart his dwelling place
He's never leaving or disturbed by the mess and stress
He is so at rest in me.

when i tap into this reality
that His Spirit rests in me
i calm down, breathe in the breath of life in me
breath out praise

how blessed am i to have a Father who is never shaken nor surprised
how blessed am i to have a Savior who has done it all for me
how blessed am i to have a Counselor who cares for every detail of my thought and heart life

how blessed am i to have rest in the storm.
there will always be a storm...storms...
thank you for teaching me to always be at rest.

man works to rest.
You work from rest.

man works for victory.
You work from victory.

2017 is the year of rejoicing.
i have a feeling this bloggie will be filled with much mourning.

but hey, i'm the clay. You're the Potter.
and You're good. the only good I know.
so what can i possibly say but have Your way.

Lord, i feel like true rejoicing is an extension of true rest.
this world cannot offer me rest nor rejoicing.
thank You for teaching me what rest is... and thank You for always gently leading me...and teaching me true rejoicing this year.

seriously, who am i that you are mindful of me?
without Your breath of life, i'm just a pile of dust.
but You who breathed the starry host in one breath breathed me into existence and eternity
You terrify me, fascinate me, are beyond me, yet you know me...and love me.
You're equally scary and safe all at once.
i want to run from you but i need to run to you at the same time.

yes, i love You.
as st. augustine de hippo said, "i was astonished to find that already i loved you."

but Lord, You have been showing me how much i don't love you.
after all those encounters oil pouring serving pastoring preaching praying crying loving
how much i have seen that i don't really love you
love that is earned, that does to be affirmed, ain't no love at all

you are Love.
you don't need nobody's affirmation.
you love perfectly.
and you say i was meant to receive this Perfect Love.

i try to love. it's cute.
and by Your Grace, i am getting better.
i want to love like you do. like you did from 0 to 30 years.
without applause, without recognition, without affirmation.
and from 30 years until now.

Your eyes are all i care for.
Your smile is my prize.
it's what i live to see
will die and see

Lord, i love being put in my place.
what else can dust do but relax and rest and go wherever the wind of the Spirit leads.

Holy Spirit, take me where you please.
since i am a little better at resting in you,
teach me to be the happiest rejoicing anointed pile of dust there is in california.
lead me... nothing is impossible for the breath of God + beloved dust combo.
best combo ever.

wanting to rejoice always
more and more in You each day,
your daughter

in Jesus' Name. amen.