it was all You since the beginning of time.
but You'll still say
look at all what we did together!

lurv

love that is earned
is no love at all

love based on fear
is no love at all

to love even though no one cares
to love even though no one else does
to love even when it scares you
to love even when it won't be returned

the One who is love
must help me first receive this love
and then allow me to freely share
without fear

the more i love God
the more i realize i do not love God

but that doesn't stop Him from loving me
beyond measure

89%

is such a terrible feeling.

Eden Grace

i remember this one moment at my old house.
this old house with forest green carpet.

i sat at the edge of the last step of stairs on the second floor.
observing the house, home alone.

and i thought how many more years i had until i would have to move out.
while counting, thinking of various scenarios, i cried. (i guess i really liked that house.)

i thought about growing up. *cue more crying
then thought about my brother going to college, getting married, having a child.

i cried thinking about how much time has passed. and also how much more time is ahead of us.
there's so much life ahead, i thought. when's all that going to happen? but i don't want them to happen too fast because that means there'll be less life ahead of us...and that's just a scary thought.

then a second later,
it's a few years, many years later,
my brother is married.
and today, i met my niece for the first time.

and i'm thankful that life can't be measured
that life doesn't end
because life is a person
and life is Jesus Christ

so thankful for Eden Grace Kim.
Jesus, be free in your beautiful garden.
may she host and enjoy your Presence
all the days of her life.

in Jesus' Name.

but

i'm okay with ugly...
God loves ugly..there's even a book titled that.

but God really loves us..
and we ugly. ug. ly. ugggggly.

at least that's more and more of what i see in me.
and even though i don't agree, my opinion doesn't matter to Him
because He says He loves me unconditionally

my condition of ugly can seem like drag but He says i'm His delight.
what. how. why.
i don't know. but my opinion doesn't matter.

i need to accept Perfect Love.
realize i need to let Perfect Love just love on me in ugly season and out
not just when i'm feeling pretty.

this is true surrender
to let yourself be loved
to let yourself receive
and realize your truest need

we fight to win
but to lose is winning
and to win is losing in this game with Perfect Love
only when Jacob was crippled by God could he walk with Him.

i'm losing it.
i lost.
i surrender.
i really do.

even when i forsake myself
you won't forsake me.

even when i accuse you
you will pursue me.

even when i turn your promises to lies
you will cut them off with your truth.

so sick of fear.
and fear makes us sick.
fear makes us weak.
fear makes us timid.

Love is bold
strengthening, life-giving
in Love, there is no fear.
there are no what-ifs...

what if she..he..they
what if i..we..
what if my..
paralyzing thoughts like a nonstop hammer

so full of fear, but we weren't made for it.
made of Love, for Love..
no doubts or questions
security lost.

security is not in knowledge or arms.
or inheritance or charm.
don't have any of those anyway
i do desire wisdom

security in Jesus
who is Wisdom and Perfect Love
can i hear the hammer of your suffering for love
to muffle these killing thoughts

is that a crazy request..maybe..probably
but sometimes i do feel like i'm going crazy
and that adds to the ugly
flesh is so ugly.

i need the reality of you to explode my flesh
without your reality,
why live.
in the absence of your reality, i live like the dead.

hopeless without you.
hungry for you.
arrows being thrown left right under over
helpless.

but you are my hope.
you made me to feed me.
you live to help me.
you don't just protect me from afar; you are my Shield.

i was made to depend on you.
lean not on my own understanding
made to receive
made to enjoy

Holy Spirit,
so gracious. so patient.
help me to be still and float
evermore in your grace

Jesus,
so bold. so gentle.
open my eyes
to see the faith you placed in my heart

Father God,
so kind. so merciful.
protect my mind, plunge it
in your unfailing love

just noticed

this blog is pretty ugly.

"it's not okay."

grace is a foreign concept in this world.
one mistake is too many

white out, erasers, backspace, delete
might as well not have them

this world is not used to grace.
accepting it, giving it, seeing it

Him.
Grace,

i need more of what this world can never give
of which i was made for and can never have enough

it's okay. it's okay. it's okay.
you're gonna be okay.

una estación especial

before you can know that He is God
be still.

be still,
and know that  I AM GOD.

the earth gives way
the mountains fall into the heart of the sea
the waters roar and foam
the mountains quake with their surging

households torn
children no longer children
adults no longer adults
yes's and no's all maybe's and not sure's

be still.

and know.

God is ever-present.

there will be unity.
few words but clear communication.
love that is powerful
unwavering discernment.

this season of yes!!!! then, no!!!! times 4 or more.
only God knows...
how tiring it is for me to be in the maybe, maybe not zone.

taking me from solid ground to rocky waters
the solid is good but liquid is not bad either
can't look at the ground anymore but have to look at His eyes
or i'll sink and just look at the waves above me

your words are faster than light
of course i can't live by sight
cuz sight is slow and no longer my delight
train my ears to hear at your speed so i can follow your lead

on the ground or the waters
shaking or surging
you tell me to be still and know you
you're still and in all my attempts of escape

still you know me.
i'm not complaining but i can't wait to know
when my yes is your yes. and my no is your no.
you know that, too...

so with all my strength
i'll be still
my feet, eyes, hears. hands
still............

maybe this season of no, no, no, no, no
is a season of know, know, know, know, know

you will always

be more humbled than you planned.
because God loves you more than you love yourself.

And Samuel said, “Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.
-1 Samuel 15:22

For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.
-Hosea 6:6

obedience

joyful that i could obey

but so painful

especially today

i trust in you, God.

i trust that you see my obedience, my yes.

though other eyes may say otherwise

yours say you love me, your eyes of holy fire

your will is my only desire

all the thoughts the wonderings and ponderings

of the go or nots to the left or right turns

still standing at the fork

i look up to you and keep my eyes on you

saying no to all voices and thoughts

saying yes to you

for i know not what to do

so i stand firm

because you are the Way i need to follow

you are the Truth that determines my reality

you are the Life who lives in me

so i obey

wanting to abide in you

be a branch, as i was made to be

close, simply connected to you, receiving, bearing the fruit

simply displaying

your work in me

it's gotta be all you

because it is all you

and all about you

i'm all about you.

everything else is weak.

shadows.

forms of comfort.

but i want the reality.

the Comforter...

the Deliverer...

the Giver...

so i obey...

with my little faith in my great God

who is so greatly pleased with my little faith.

thank you for making me pleasing to you.

thank you for being the Author and Perfecter of my faith when i see only see dead ends and a boring plot.

you are still writing...and most importantly have already written my name in your Book of Life.

so help me enjoy your story...your beautiful mystery...your successful pursuit of my heart.

my heart is truly yours.