lament

the tension and paradox of you
in heaven and in me
between eternity and now
the already but not yet
the finished but still working
the battle won but still fighting

i'm tired
angry
and far too overwhelmed

you seem so far but i know you are closer than my breath
you seem so quiet but i know you are holding me together

but that's what frustrates me more
that i know
but my feeling and actions are as if i don't believe

and maybe that's the core
that i don't
believe; help me overcome
my unbelief

many walked away
your teachings were hard
i want to walk away, too
it's so hard

but to whom else shall i go
where else can i go
i'm stuck, left with no choice
when you have the words of eternal life

you speak life
you are life
eternal life is to know you
and in knowing you, me

my mind is overwhelmed with knowledge of good and evil
of religion
of desires
of worries
of obligations
of lists
of duties
of decisions

i hate them.

i want peace.
i want rest.
i want you.

this battle is so crazy.
it's so heavy and real right now.
i hate it, God. i hate it.
i know it's going to end but i hate it, God.
i hate it...

silence the enemy and crush his teeth in Jesus' name.
twist your tongue a thousand times and with it swing you into hell where you will go and belong.

i belong to Jesus.

everything is birthed
from a lack
or an overflow
of love

the only and greatest
anointing
is the Holy Spirit

just
dust.

i don't want to do anything for you.
i can't do anything for you.
unless you want to.
unless you do it.

but what i do want.
is you. to be with you.
just you.
and if were to do anything,
with you.

reality of you is what i asked for
reality of myself is what i've seen
disappointment, disappointment, and disappointment
with others, with you, with myself

the reality of you in light of the reality of self
the knowledge of you in light of knowledge of self

just
dust.

God, be God.
dust, be dust.

breathe in me, God.
be free in me, God.

this piece of dust is so heavy
so heavy with disappointment

carry yourself lightly, dust.
his hands carry you.
you feel the weight
but he makes your burdens light

carry yourself lightly.
God is still and will be God.
and you are dust.

be swept by his breath of life
and carried into eternity

don't be scared by a wild wind
his arms in disguise

so tiny, but not invisible.
every detail, every memory remembered.

so tiny, so taken care of
every detail, every need known

nothing too small for his eyes
nothing too big for his hands

remember your dustiness
beloved dust

Father

the hunger is unbearable
makes me uneasy, queasy
but this hunger is grace
for it is nothing i could ever stir in myself
you put it in me
and you must satisfy
fill me up
so i may
overflow
onto you

nothing
is all i have
everything
i want to give you
you must provide

faith
hope
love

you provide both
the fire
and
the sacrifice

fill me up, God.
with faith
freedom
fire.

monday mind

me: i'm a prison of dust living in a bigger prison of dust...surrounded by dust, breathing dust...

Him: you are a prisoner of hope living in Hope, Who is living in you, you breather of hope!

me: but still. sometimes. everything just seems pointless.

Him: *points at Himself.  I'm the point.

me: why is it so painful to let go of control?

Him: I opened my hands for them to be pierced. 

I let go so you can let go and hold my hand.