오랜만에느끼는거지만 그래도 이제는 아주완전많이매우꽤 익숙해진 이 뒤통수 맞은 기분.
억울하지도 못하고...속상하지도 못하고...
그냥 멍. 하고있는 나.
이게 방법인가요.
이방법밖에없나요.

힘드네요.
나중에 땅을치고 후회하는 소리겠지만
지금 힘드네요.

but.
you're still real to me.
and it becomes more real that apart from you, i have no good.
no good in me, around me, everywhere around me...
no good but you.

thank you for understanding...
if you didn't understand
how could i keep going...keep believing...

but somehow i want to...
this gift of faith is all i have
all i ever wanted.

고마워요.
믿을께요.
잡아줘요.

effortless

"My work in you should be effortless
because I am doing everything without your knowing or understanding.
Only believe. I will do it. I will be with you. I am with you. One day you will know; you will understand. But now, just believe."

obedience

He is teaching me that i have to fight to be still.
i have to fight to find rest in Him.

too many times we fight to do more.
we fight to move forward.
we fight to do religion.

striving isn't bad.
striving toward the wrong thing is bad.
too many times, we strive to strive more.

God is showing me that i must strive to find rest.
i must strive to be still.
or i'll keep getting swayed and pushed around.

i gotta trust in Him.
i gotta trust that the call will work itself out.
i gotta trust He is disciplining me in love.
i gotta trust that in Him there are no mistakes, but in Him, there is discipline.

and He disciplines in love.

it hurts, and it sucks...
but i'm going to fight.
and i'm going to rest.

matthew 5:8

there'll probably be a day soon
when i look back and say
the furnace wasn't even that hot
i would do it all again for you, with u

but today, right now
i confess i feel the heat rising
tears with it, welling up in my heart
i feel the fiery touch burning within

purified, genuine, without a smell of smoke
i will hold my Goldsmith's hand
i will see You
my eyes in Yours

patient endurance

it is tough and tiring,
living
but Life,
You are good
so i keep
going
for You keep
breathing
in me

breath by breath i will obey
fix my eyes on Your face
the Author, Perfecter
of my faith

happily married

i've been dealing with myself.

and i realize it's so hard to deal with yourself.

i know, old news.

but seriously, only God can deal with me rightly, gently, powerfully, and perfectly.

God reveals to you things about yourself that you can't and don't want to accept.

but God says get over yourself. I have already accepted you. and I really love you.

but somehow i'm like thanks, God. but i can't accept that right now. i need to accept myself first.
just give me some time. a few days. weeks. wait...this is going to take a while. actually, it's impossible.

this walk with the LORD is about getting over yourself. only He makes the getting over yourself part possible.

He says there is no flaw in you. this is the power of His Righteousness.

Jesus, My Righteousness, is married to me. I am married to Him.

We're married. inseparable. one.

i may be fickle, unfaithful, and faithless, but

He is unchanging, faithful, and the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

this is the promise and everlasting covenant of Jesus,

of being bonded by His Blood, sealed by His Holy Spirit, covered in His Righteousness.

with just a revelation of yourself, you drown in thoughts of failure, guilt, and misery.

with just a revelation of God, you feel fear, inadequacy, and distance.

but with a revelation of yourself, God, and who you are to God, you're thankful, joyful, and free to be. 

it is an amazing blessing to be fully known and fully loved.

it's not about you. or what you think about yourself.

it's not only about God but also who you are to God.

who you are to God is all that matters to both you and Him when you stand before God, and this identity as child of God is something you cannot attain or change by your actions.

you are given this identity and receive this identity by believing in it. belief. faith.

the key of getting out of the pit of yourself is to believe and keep believing this identity as child of God.

God reminded me His mercies are new every morning. not the mercy of yesterday that flows over to the next day. not the same sweet mercy over you when you first got saved.
it's a whole new wonderful mercy. fresh, powerful, yours, everyday. let us embrace, receive, and enjoyyyy this mercy.

Thank You for Your mercy, Father God.

even and especially in my unbelief, shame, and narrow-mindedness,

Your mercy is new over me, this world, everyday.

Your mercy truly has no end...

I could truly sing of Your love forever because You are so merciful to me.

Thank You, Jesus, that it's all about You, and Your love for me.
for this Truth that/Who sets me free, i am so thankful.

in Jesus's Name.

AMEN.

사명

주님이 홀로 가신 그 길 나도 따라 가오 
모든 물과 피를 흘리신 그 길을 나도 가오
험한 산도 나는 괜찮소 바다 끝이라도 나는 괜찮소 
죽어가는 저들을 위해 나를 버리길 바라오 
아버지 나를 보내주오 나는 달려가겠소 
목숨도 아끼지 않겠소 나를 보내주오 

험한 산도 나는 괜찮소 바다 끝이라도 나는 괜찮소 
죽어가는 저들을 위해 나를 버리길 바라오 
아버지 나를 보내주오 나는 달려가겠소 
목숨도 아끼지 않겠소 나를 보내주오 
세상이 나를 미워해도 나는 사랑하겠소 
세상을 구원한 십자가 나도 따라 가오 
생명을 버리면서까지 나를 사랑한 당신
 이 작은 나를 받아 주오 나도 사랑하오

Amen and Amen. Hallelujahhhhhhh!!!

the greatest act of obedience is to believe.
and against all hope, to keep believing.

"against all hope, Abraham in hope believed..."
-romans 4:18

another one i wrote in my email earlier today, saved as a draft:

faith hurts.

especially when all you can do is have faith. keep faith.
when all you have is faith.

the dead don't know.

but the alive

living by faith know that faith hurts

there's a deep knowing and understanding, though,

that it hurts so much because it's healing you so 

of worry, disbelief, hopelessness, fear, settling

the cause of faith may hurt, and to take its hand and walk, blind to the world's warnings yet boldly facing the world, hurts.

but the effects of faith, of this response, are healing beyond all measure.

perfect, freeing, radical, unpredictable, victorious.

your love goes against everything in this world.

above all, your love doesn't hurt...

your love heals...

your love heals so much that it hurts to know that your wounds healed me and continue to soothe my pain.

you came and died so i can have faith, gain life and not suffer in vain, and enjoy your overflowing love over me. no time to waste. believe and enjoy now.

now you're giving me a chance to take a step of faith and declare it.

i believe you, Jesus. i trust in your promises.

give me the right words today

to firmly say i live for you, not for the glory from men or money.

because you ARE glory.

and nothing else can compare or satisfy.

may today be a turning point in all of this, Jesus.
you're the only way i know...

wrote this in frustration last sunday or some day before that.

i was writing an email to nobody, and it saved as a draft:

i'm realizing how terribly deep and gross the wound of my unbelief is.

even if my life depended on it,

i cannot seem to be still, and know that you are God. that you were MY God from the beginning and will forever be. that the God of Abraham, David, Jabez, Esther, Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah, Jeremiah, Jonah, Peter, Paul... is God of Ashley.

when i force myself to be still and believe, my thoughts go wild and cannot accept the truth that you are always working for the good of those who love you.

and when i'm so aware that you are my God and that our everlasting covenant is secured by Jesus' blood and sealed by the Holy Spirit, i can't be still and just rest in that truth. i see myself suddenly wanting to do, to see, to be seen, and be of use to You when my use is not important nor useful. You see my heavenly identity and eternal worth, which is Jesus Christ in me.

such a beautiful mystery. profound truth. good news. the only way. true rest. peace.

i taste the goodness.. and when unbelief unknowingly creeps in and dangles in front of me, my palate recognizes fear, doubt, pride. and wanting to preserve the precious goodness i spit it out and put in new ingredients.. get it all wrong complicated backwards.. and screw up your perfect recipe like i know what's perfect for me. what i do is so unnecessary and useless. i can't try to preserve your goodness when it's already everlastingly residing in me and surrounding me like a shield. i'm untouchable, if i would only keep believing.

it is one thing to endure.

it is another thing to endure patiently.

it is one thing to be held captive for a few weeks.

it is another thing to be in captivity for 70 years.

daniel lived in captivity, serving babylon and living by faith until the end of his life, 

and even then, when he was over 80 years old, he was thrown in the lion's den

so his faith may be even more purified, stronger, pleasing to God.

truly, without faith,

it is impossible to please God.

and it is impossible because it is not possible without God's grace, Jesus living in me.

because i can't do it. even if my life depended on it.

so praise the Lord that Jesus is my Defender.

and He is my Life.

and He holds my tiny faith. 

and holds everyone else's and everything else together.

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

-Colossians 1:7

You alone

who, oh Lord, could save themselves,
their own soul could heal?
our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
to You alone belongs the highest praise

Your grace is deeper still.

i'm

shaken by Your grace
unshakeable because of it.

1 Peter 4:7-11

⁷ The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.
⁸ Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 
⁹ Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.
¹⁰ Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.
¹¹ If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God.
If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. 
To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever.
Amen.

Amen.
happy happy 2013! :)
year of testimony and victory ^___^v
in Jesus's Name.

AMEN.