wrote this in frustration last sunday or some day before that.

i was writing an email to nobody, and it saved as a draft:

i'm realizing how terribly deep and gross the wound of my unbelief is.

even if my life depended on it,

i cannot seem to be still, and know that you are God. that you were MY God from the beginning and will forever be. that the God of Abraham, David, Jabez, Esther, Daniel, Ezra, Nehemiah, Jeremiah, Jonah, Peter, Paul... is God of Ashley.

when i force myself to be still and believe, my thoughts go wild and cannot accept the truth that you are always working for the good of those who love you.

and when i'm so aware that you are my God and that our everlasting covenant is secured by Jesus' blood and sealed by the Holy Spirit, i can't be still and just rest in that truth. i see myself suddenly wanting to do, to see, to be seen, and be of use to You when my use is not important nor useful. You see my heavenly identity and eternal worth, which is Jesus Christ in me.

such a beautiful mystery. profound truth. good news. the only way. true rest. peace.

i taste the goodness.. and when unbelief unknowingly creeps in and dangles in front of me, my palate recognizes fear, doubt, pride. and wanting to preserve the precious goodness i spit it out and put in new ingredients.. get it all wrong complicated backwards.. and screw up your perfect recipe like i know what's perfect for me. what i do is so unnecessary and useless. i can't try to preserve your goodness when it's already everlastingly residing in me and surrounding me like a shield. i'm untouchable, if i would only keep believing.

it is one thing to endure.

it is another thing to endure patiently.

it is one thing to be held captive for a few weeks.

it is another thing to be in captivity for 70 years.

daniel lived in captivity, serving babylon and living by faith until the end of his life, 

and even then, when he was over 80 years old, he was thrown in the lion's den

so his faith may be even more purified, stronger, pleasing to God.

truly, without faith,

it is impossible to please God.

and it is impossible because it is not possible without God's grace, Jesus living in me.

because i can't do it. even if my life depended on it.

so praise the Lord that Jesus is my Defender.

and He is my Life.

and He holds my tiny faith. 

and holds everyone else's and everything else together.

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

-Colossians 1:7