morning

it's been on my heart to go to prayer mountain.
i hope i have a chance to go before mexico.


a lot of healing is needed everywhere i go.
my family, my cousins, my friends, random people i meet, strangers...
especially myself


being still and knowing that God is with me has been a blessing
but it's given me time to really examine those around me and my heart


i think that's why i've kinda been in mourning mode
i've been seeing how cursed and doomed we are were
the depth, the root of our sin, our unbelief.

when we ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil with adam and eve,
we became forever cursed by knowing good and evil (the law) but were unable to experience and know the greatest good, the only good, that is God. goodness comes from God alone for He alone is good.

but He's redeemed us from the curse of it all, allowing us to believe in His goodness again. 
again and again. day by day. moment by moment. step by step. tear after tear. thought after thought.
the joy of the Lord, my Redeemer, is my strength
the Reason i wake up 


as i was praying this morning, i realized how confused we are.
we do not know what is good or bad. we confuse good for bad and bad for good.
it's the worst when we mistake God's goodness for bad
or just forget His goodness altogether. 


so when i see my parents half-heartedly trusting God when He's given them the ultimate chance to display radical faith
when i listen to my cousin's struggle with loneliness, suicide
when i get cussed out by a stranger whose first impression was nice
i get sad and tired. weary. burdened.


i don't have any good in me, either.
i am quick to doubt, judge, anger
prone to disbelief..


but i'm thankful that in the midst of this faith-examining time, God has granted me a quiet, mourning spirit because ultimately i mourn because i know God is good, and only He can make our burdens light and beautiful.


God is so good. even his "bad" is better than our best just as "the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength." (1 cor. 1:25)
yet He is patient with us. Love is so patient and so kind. He uses our worst and transforms it to His best.


but we complain so much when we don't see the good... in these times,
may we learn to focus on the only good thing, only Good One, who is God,
and rejoice.