my lunch pail was purple with my name written on the top with permanent marker.
even though i was little, i didn't fully appreciate the fact that my mom wrote my name on everything i owned. with the same black permanent marker in her all-caps writing.
"ASHLEY KIM"
i wanted a cooler lunch pail. not necessarily the metal ones, pink, and hello kitty everywhere. but i wanted something more than my plain purple lunch pail. i never knew what i wanted so i ended up using the purple lunch pail, every day.
i remember i tossed it everywhere
i threw it in my cubby, next to my backpack.
i slammed it on the blue lunch tables, i threw it in the car when my mom picked me up after school.
i was so careless with my lunch box.
i was also careless with my lunch.
i was embarrassed to eat my egg sandwich.
i loved my tuna sandwich but was self-conscious of what my friends would think of my fishy sandwich.
i got sick of rice crispies and chewy granola bars; i probably gave them away. or threw them away.
i only ate my doritos, cheez-its, and goldfish.
so spoiled. so loved.
but i didn't know anything.
i was jealous of my friends standing in the long lunch lines for their slice of pizza and curly fries.
i was angry that my mom didn't give me money for lunch.
why isn't she like other moms? why can't she just let me eat at school? does she not want to give me money? does she not trust me? does she not want me to be happy? haha
the thing is, once my mom did start giving me money to buy lunch from school,
i would lie that i ate lunch and hide the money.
i don't even think i was saving up for anything.
somehow, even at a young age, i liked and valued money. even more than curly fries. and i looooooved my warm, spicy curly fries with ketchup. mmm~
i remember one day when my mom saw my lunch money nearly falling out of my side pocket.
i didn't know. so when she asked me what i'd eaten for lunch, i replied, "mm. tacos. yes, tacos!"
i remember i'd make sure to memorize the weekly menu to make sure i answered correctly.
then. before my eyes. my mom put in front of me all the money that i had hidden in my drawer.
and i was dumbfounded. i was so scared.
last night, 15 or more so years later, i remembered that scary night. and i imagined the shock and sorrow in my mom's heart. how would i react if my daughter did that...(oh Lord..have mercy..)
why did my daughter do this??? what the haiiiiiil is my daughter thinking?!
honestly, i don't know what i was thinking.
but man, i really miss my purple lunch box.
i wish i ate every single thing that my mom ever made and put in that purple sack of love.
egg sandwich, tuna sandwich, rice krispies, fritos, everything.
even tomatoes, even if they make me gag.
but do you get me?
so often, we don't know.
too often, we don't understand.
the heart of a mother,
the faithfulness of a mother.
and as always, her love reminds me of the love of my father in heaven.
i remember his faithfulness and patience with me. loving me when i don't get a thing. loving me when i don't understand a thing.
and only he can bring me to a tearful heart of repentance and relief, with a simple reminder before i sleep,
of my dearly missed purple lunch pail.
